She Stands Alone

Surrounded by voices, she stands alone, beneath a cedar. Needles cover the ground, dirt in her toes. She stands, grasping her elbows in the cool air of the forest, wriggling to keep warm. How she got here, I do not know. A leisurely stroll to the park, or a frantic escape from her world? She stands alone, branches of the tree engulfing her small body, almost unseen from outside the leaflets. She stands, she fidgets with her skin, rubbing it between her fingers, feelings its elasticity and flexibility. She is concerned with her skin.

“Who am I?” she asks the tree, “who are you?”

With that, a wind stirs and the branches rustle, sounding out their own language, their own response to her inquiries. She cannot discern them, she doesn’t understand the tree language. To her, the trees listen but never respond. How wrong she is?

Her breath is frequent, expelling a cool fog from her mouth. Carefully, she leans behind her and sits on the mossy base of the tree. She tilts her head back as her eyes follow the trunk of the tree, through the outreaching arms, and up to the canopy of needles and leaves where her gaze cannot penetrate to reach the top. 

“This is life,” she says, “you can only see so far, but you’ll never be able to see the outcome.” 

Again, the trees rustle and branches swing. She sits alone now. Is she really alone?

Alone means being without anyone, all by yourself; but she isn’t alone. A multitude of living insects, plants, and gigantic trees glisten all around her. They are all living things, she is only alone by how she knows it in an emotional sense. So much concern for emotion nowadays. So much concern for feelings and intentions. Is there any room to breathe? To be? One yellow flower stands alone on a nurse log. 

“Does the flower feel alone?” she asks to the tree, “do you feel alone?”

The voices begin again, always in her head, always making noise, asking questions, never settling. She feels alone, yet the voices always keep her company. Maybe her voices bring her loneliness?

“Why won’t you just go away!” she screams at her mind.

“No!” they reply, “we must keep thinking, we must keep doing, we must keep analyzing, interpreting, watching. You should be happy you have us here, or else you would be lost.”

She is brainwashed. 

The trees stand proudly. Are they actually proud? Do they know how magnificent they are? Or are they just concerned with being, right here and now, living to live, to survive. 

“I wish I was a tree, or a flower,” she says, “then I wouldn’t have to worry, to think, to be deadened with this horde of meaninglessness.”

She pushes her back upon the base of the tree, sitting erect; feeling the coarseness of the tree’s bark upon her neck. Closing her eyes, she concentrates on her mind. Watching the worrisome thoughts coming into her brain, she observes them, but doesn’t indulge. She watches her thoughts as if she was someone else adventuring into her own brain. Her thoughts dance, moving swiftly and uncaringly through her mind. Back and forth, they bounce off the walls. Slowly, she sends one away, away like a balloon caught by a gust of wind and torn out of the palm of a toddler. Floating to the sky, she watches her thoughts fly away into the atmosphere. They fly so high, until even she cannot see them anymore. Back in her mind, it is still, it is quiet. There are no more questions, no more worries, no more depression; just peace, emptiness, quiet. 

Sitting at the base of the tree, with her knees into her chest and arms encircling her legs, she sits quietly; as still as the being which she leans upon. Breathing, living, being, she is quiet but alive. Her thoughts have gone, now she just is. Inhaling, exhaling, chest rising and falling. Feeling the oxygen, the element of life, fill her body as the carbon dioxide, the toxins, exit. She is living to live, to feel, to be. Her thoughts do not cloud her mind, she does not worry about work, schedules, traffic, relationships. She does not worry about stress or promotions; would you call her lazy? I shudder to think what the plants and animals think of us. A being, she has turned into. A living, existing being. She has become the tree which she leans upon. Quiet, moving with the wind, being in the forest. 

Her thoughts do not give her an identity. Her personality does not give her an identity. Those aspects are given to her, she has been trained in traits through her relationships, advertisements, cultural references, and societal conditioning. What she wears does not tell anything about who she is. Why do each of us need an identity anyway? To feel different from everyone else? To set ourselves apart from the mass culture? Isn’t that what being alone means? Yet, we are all so afraid to be alone that none of us actually sets ourselves too far from the ‘herd’, from the ‘crowd’. In fact, we take on specific traits in order to convince other people that we are individuals but shy away from drastic changes so that we are not seen as outcasts or ‘bums’ from normal society. However, we are disillusioned. These traits we put on to distance ourselves from mass society are actually conditioned thoughts that have also been taught to us. Our ‘identities’ are solely based upon what other people think of us and what we want them to think of us. Meaning, we are not individuals, not identified, but mere make-ups of traits, thoughts, beliefs that have been taught to us and what we want other people to think of us. ***

Therefore, an identity is not who you are, it is not who she is; an identity is learned from society and cultural conditioning. Who she is, is a being, just like the tree. She is a human, with the ability to think, question, and debate. However, her ‘identity’ is based upon the fact that just like the tree, the beautiful flower, the dirt, she is a being on this earth. Without all the thoughts which crowd and disillusion the mind, she is an earthling; a increasingly complex earthling with incredible mechanisms inside of her body to keep her living. The ability to think, to question, to debate is astounding; but the real miracle of being is the heart’s ability to thump, the lungs constantly taking in oxygen, the blood continually circulating throughout the whole body, the digestive system absorbing and breaking down food. Its amazing how much more importance is given to the ‘higher evolved’ human who is able to ask the meaning of life; while a honey bee or a toad is looked upon as something very sacrificial. Where does these levels of hierarchy stem from? Why is our ability to ask the meaning of life so special while the abilities of other ‘lesser’ beings are looked upon with disparagement? What if its a meaningless question because we’ll never be able to find the answer to it? Do you stop to consider that your body may be more intellectual than your mind? Maybe your mind keeps you from realizing what life truly is? Whats more incredible, the mind’s ability to question or the body’s ability to function? Do the thoughts that crowd the mind represent a decline in evolution instead of a rise? Why is the ability to debate and question regarded more highly than an ability to quiet the mind and be a being, surviving on this earth? 

Here she sits at the base of a tree. Eyes closed, body still, mind is quiet. Breathing in the damp scents of the mossy earth floor, she breathes in and out. She is alive, she is who she is, without any impositions. She lives and dies by the continuity of her heart, of her breath. Her true identity is in her breath. Individualization is a fallacy in society, only created by meaningless actions that are learned. True individualization does not exist. We are all beings of this earth; granted, with different attributes, but this should not separate us into individuals nor give us an identity. We are all beings of this earth, from the smallest pebble to the largest mountain, from an embryo to an elderly; there is no classification, there should be no separation, no individualization, no hierarchy. Life is life; breath, absorption, circulation, beingness. 

Who am I and who are you? she asked the tree. The tree knows, he is still, he is quiet. He has not been individualized or classified against by his kind. He whispers to her, always whispering, never being heard. You and I are beings, we are earthlings, we are together. You are not alone. Isn’t that enough? 

VEGAN

        This seems like the year of new beginnings for me. A new life without University. A new start with my boyfriend. A new passion with yoga; and now a new lifestyle. Today is the first day of being an Organic Vegan. I have committed my life to the Vegan way. What does being a Vegan mean? Well, it means not eating anything that is derived from animal products. No cheese, no meat, no milk, and no eggs. Also, it means not buying or indulging in anything that is leather, wool, suede, down, or any other fabric produced from animals. The organic part means that whatever food I do eat, which would be delicious vegetables and fruits, have to be ORGANIC. For January, I had practiced being an organic eater. It was hard sometimes, especially going out to eat or when my bro Stefan came to visit, but overall I did fairly well! I spent 40-50 dollars a week on groceries, all organic fruits, vegetables, eggs, and soy milk. Not too expensive at all! 

I decided to go Organic Vegan because of several reasons. For one, whenever I eat meat, I get so bloated and gassy. Graphic, I know, and many of you have felt my meaty gassy wrath. I am also suspicious of the meat industry. I am skeptical of their safety regulations and the fact that there are only 4 major meat packers in North America. I don’t like the idea of these animals being packed into a warehouse never seeing the light of day as they are processed like Twinkies. The fact that I don’t know where the meat is coming from or how it is processed is a little unnerving that I think everyone should stop and think twice about. Also, the whole idea of drinking milk is kind of disgusting anyway. I’ve never really enjoyed drinking milk, and have only indulged while eating cereal. No other animal drinks milk after the weaning stage and especially not that of another animal! Plus, just researching all the preservatives and chemicals that are in milk is enough to make me gag! Eggs have always been gross. Period. No matter how many times I try I just don’t get it. Cheese will be a little harder. Brie and Gouda Cheese are my friends; but, when I think of the bigger picture, its a small sacrifice. 

Watch the documentaries, Super Size Me, No Impact Man, and Food, Inc., to gain a better understanding of your impact on the world. Learn about what you eat before you eat it!

Going vegan is not just some hippy mentality for saving the animals. Although the state and treatment of the animals plays a major part, I am vegan because I believe this chose will decrease my impact on the declining nature of our world today. I do not want to revel in ignorance and do nothing. Cheeseburgers used to be my favourite meal! But after learning that my dinner choice can influence the amount of greenhouse gases, the lives of animals, and the production of GMOs and petroleum usage; I decided to be a little bit more responsible about my actions. By choosing to eat healthy organic meals, I can help save the world one bite at a time! My choices influence what the health food stores carry; therefore directly affect what is sold! 

Today, I’ve had amazing meals! This morning I had an organic banana, apple, and peanut butter smoothie. Delicious! Then for lunch, I had a quinoa, yam, beet salad! Here are my recipes!

The smoothie is pretty self explanatory.

Yam and Beat Salad (use all organic ingredients)

• cup of quinoa
• cup of mixed lettuce
• 1 yam
• 2 red beets
• 9 brussel sprouts
• organic olive oil
• organic balsamic vinegar
• organic honey

Boil the quinoa in a small pot. Chop up the yam in a few pieces so that it will cook faster. In a larger pot, boil the yam and brussel sprouts together. Slice all the skin off the beet and chop up into pieces. Put the beets into a large bowl with the salad. When the yams and sprouts are done, cut the skin off the yams and put into bowl. Also, but each sprout into 4 pieces and put in the salad. Drizzle oil, balsamic vinegar onto. Use a spoon to get a hunk of honey and put in salad. It will melt from the heat from the veggies!

Tonight I go to work and will have a greek salad complete with no feta cheese and maybe a whole wheat pita with some yummy hummus! 

I have to admit, I did have some chocolate covered raisins today. HOWEVER, I stopped eating them once I realized that there is milk in the chocolate. Basically, I thought to myself, “Oh crap, these things have MILK IN THEM!” I looked around guiltily, knowing full well no one was watching, and popped three more into my mouth; “Now I’m done!” Haha, I had to admit my first falter from the vegan path! I reluctantly gave them to Doug and he shoveled them into his face, fistful by fistful. Great, thanks. 

Day 13: First Step to a Higher Self is Hairy Armpits.

Day 13:

So I have to admit, I went with my uncle Mark to a hot yoga class today. Not Bikram! Just hot yoga. It was a really beautiful class and very energizing. At no point did I feel overheated and the teacher had a nice, soothing voice. So different from Bikram that I was pleasantly surprised! At one point, she instructed us to use straps, of which I declined. She was surprised and tried to convince me that it will take me further and deepen my stretch. Yet, I was not inclined as I heard Shakti’s voice in my head saying, “Never go further than your body will allow. If your body doesn’t go there naturally, don’t force it!” So I sat happily in Pigeon, looking up to the ceiling, and had a great stretch anyway! I’m really glad I went. Hot Yoga is definitely different than Bikram; a lot more spiritual and smooth. My uncle is a pro too! He’s probably more flexible than I am!  I like to be open to go to hot yoga classes or even Bikram classes so I don’t feel a ‘holier-than-thou’ mind concept going on. That is something I want to avoid completely. I do things that I may be against or participate in things I have banned once in a while, just to reassure myself that I am doing the right thing (in my mind) in banning it or to stretch my mind and maybe change my opinion! Know your enemies better than your friends right? Haha! I love integrating Machiavelli into everyday life.  : { --> thats my mustache man evil face.

Sometimes, I have a problem being obedient to authority figures. I love how Ruth serves Shakti in setting up the computer, getting her water, and I think that’s great! However, I could never see myself doing that for a teacher. For one, I don’t want to be perceived as brown-nosing; which I don’t think Ruth is because she is as genuine as one can get. And for two, I just don’t see myself as being that obedient student who sits at the front of the class and caters to a teacher’s every need. Yet, these reactions are just fears. I fear being perceived as a brown-noser; I fear diminishing myself as I serve the teacher. My ego holds me back from putting myself on a lower pedestal than her. I am afraid of what people would think of me if I became the ‘servant’ the ‘obedient one’. This is also remnant of elementary school and how everyone hated the Teacher’s Pet. It’s cool to be disobedient. It’s cool to have a huge ego. It’s cool to not change! Isn’t that interesting, how from a very age, we are encouraged to be selfish and hate the person who acts different from everyone else? 

Shakti was talking about obedience today in a general sense. She said that from any fear or insecurity stems ego-tistical violence and anger. If you refuse to be obedient it is because of the fear of losing yourself, and that’s a weakness. It’s a weakness because you are being controlled by your ego and it’s fear of being perceived as something less than you are. You are afraid of what other people will think of you. If you want to learn in your own way and stop listening to other people’s direction, it’s a result of you not being able to accept change. You are being controlled by other people and your ego’s need to be seen a certain way. Your ego doesn’t really even care what you are truly, it only cares about how you are SEEN! Depth has no meaning to your ego unless it wants other people to see you as a deep, spiritual thinker. 

The higher self, on the other hand, does not care what other people think. It does not care how it looks to other people. If you quiet your ego, and stop caring about how you are perceived, obedience is beautiful. You obey, you serve because you genuinely want to honour that person. It’s not a way of diminishing yourself, because ‘yourself’ is committed to honouring people and part of being authentic to yourself is serving. If you are powerful, meaning you push away the insecurities of your ego, then you can be authentically obedient. You won’t care what other people think of you; you’ll just think of how you can serve this person wholly. 

As a yoga teacher, this is very important because the teacher needs to put away their ego during the class, and serve the students by teaching them the instructions of the yoga practice. What if a yoga teacher constantly thought, “Oh how do I look? Do they think I’m a flake?” The instructions would suffer because the teacher would be consistently somewhere else, and the students would feel really disconnected because of it. 

So here I go. Quiet my ego. Quiet my mind. I do not care what other people think. 

I’m not shaving at all anymore. Hello, hairy body! 

Take that ego! 

First step to a higher self are hairy armpits. 

DAY 12: stress and yoga don't mix..

Day 12:

Meditation isn’t about going somewhere else or having an out of body experience. It’s not about transporting yourself to another dimension or concentrating on elevating your body above the ground. Meditation requires you to stay in the moment; to be aware of your surroundings and stay conscious in the living world around you. It’s imperative to stay in the moment; there is no past or future. When meditating, watch your thoughts pass through your mind. Don’t ignore your thoughts or push them away; which is what I usually do. Instead, just become the observer of your thoughts, don’t give them any extra energy and then watch them float away. Observe your actions and thoughts in your mind in order to see life through your own eyes and not through the ones you have been programmed to see through cultural conditioning. You can either sit and observe then dismiss all thoughts or you can reflect on one issue in your life that is troubling or significant. When concentrating on this thought, bring the issue into your hand (mentally) to make it smaller than you think it is and take responsibility for the issue. The effects of meditation can create a calmer, clearer mind, more compassion for other people’s actions, and a decreased sense of self-absorption. In meditation, the ego is quieted because of the act of observation; increasing one’s ability to separate the self from the body and gain a recognition of other people’s lives will continue without you. 

OKAY,

LETS 

TALK

ABOUT 

STRESS.... 

ah jeez.. i’m already getting stressed out...

In modern day society, specifically in developed countries, people can’t seem to find an off-switch for their stress responses; it goes NON-STOP! Some stress can be healthy; a moderate amount of stress that is temporary helps keep the body’s ‘fight or flight’ reaction sharpened. However, when there is too much stress in someone’s life, the body begins shutting down the immune system (one of the many), making you more prone to diseases. It can affect your digestive systems, causing constipation or your endocrine system, causing an irregular release of hormones. Too much stress can also affect your sex life and your sexual drive. It can also give you a pounding heart, an irregular beat, and high blood pressure. If you are in a lower social rank than you are also more prone to higher stress levels and disease. A study done revealed that stressed rats’ brain cells were extremely smaller than the normal rats. The stress shrunk the memory part of the brain, indicating that stress can cause difficulty in remembering the simplest things. Did you ever stay up really late to study for an exam the next day? Remember feeling stressed because it was one of the only times you’ve studied for this hard exam? The next day, you go to write the exam, then all of a sudden you draw a blank. You studied for 8 hours last night! How could you not remember? It’s because you were so stressed out that the cells in your brain shrunk causing you to lose your capacity to remember those facts. 

For people in a lower social ranking, the brain doesn’t receive as much dopamine (the pleasure-giving hormone) that people do in middle or upper class. This could be the case in the ghetto, where things are often half-heartedly done, because the doers don’t receive as much satisfaction in cleaning up their yards. It doesn’t matter to them because they have other stressors that cause them to overlook the simpler things. In contrast, the richer neighbourhoods are often dotted with nicer, clean yards because people gain pleasure from them. Weight gain is also related with stress and people’s  status in rank. A person in a lower rank is more apt to gain weight distributed around their middle due to stressors and lifestyles. This is also due to the fact that people in a lower class find more pleasure in eating lots of food than in their everyday lives. Eating is then the most satisfying activity that they could do and so they get fat! 

Scientifically speaking, long-term stress can shorten your telomeres, the caps on the end of your DNA strands. This can cause serious aging even when you are young. 

An absence of long-term or elevated stress levels is so beneficial to your everyday lifestyle. A low amount of stress helps lower blood pressure, help weight loss, encourage career and social growth, strengthen family relationships, as well as creating a harmonious environment where your body’s systems (immune, reproductive, digestive, endocrine) can function without being inhibited by stressors.