Day 9:
Why do I feel like a failure when I’m not the best in class?
This is my issue; has been my issue for my whole life. I can’t be second best, I can’t be in the top ten; I have to be number one. I always feel like a failure if I don’t -- which is usually the case because I always feel that people do better than myself.
I taught yoga in class today. I thought I did okay, but Shakti kept interrupting me while I was teaching, making small tiny adjustments that didn’t really matter at all. I just felt like I sucked. It really threw off my flow today and I felt like a failure all day.
This kind of relates to my life as well. This semester I’ve felt kind of depressed because I haven’t been in school. I haven’t had that acknowledgement that I get in the classrooms from papers, tests, or discussions. I usually get positive recognition and when I get anything but, the world is over. Living without that recognition has been surprisingly hard. I’ve had to really look inside myself and try to offer my own appreciation for myself.
But why? Why do I feel like a failure? Why does anyone feel like a failure?
I feel like it has something to do with an inner insecurity in my own self. I need that recognition from people to feel good about myself because I’m not strong enough to encourage myself on my own. I am my own worst enemy and I’ve been saying this for years. But, I am recognizing this now. I recognize my behaviours, I want to change them; isn’t this the first step?
I’m not perfect; I’m not a perfect yoga teacher, a perfect student, a perfect daughter, girlfriend, friend, or person. Is that okay? Can’t I just be me and be happy with it?
I am learning to be authentic in myself; to show compassion and patience with myself. This is my issue.. I’m working on it.
What a wonderfully transparent post. Thanks! I think a lot of people wrestle with this, I know I have. Looking inward and accepting my imperfections/mistakes has been so important for me to learn to generally accept who I am--and who others are too. Of course I want to improve and so I have learned to encourage myself daily with a mantra I read in the morning. In coaching we learn that saying these encouraging words is so subversively powerful--even though it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I love the way you are processing this.
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