Day 9: I'm working on it..

Day 9:

Why do I feel like a failure when I’m not the best in class? 

This is my issue; has been my issue for my whole life. I can’t be second best, I can’t be in the top ten; I have to be number one. I always feel like a failure if I don’t -- which is usually the case because I always feel that people do better than myself. 

I taught yoga in class today. I thought I did okay, but Shakti kept interrupting me while I was teaching, making small tiny adjustments that didn’t really matter at all. I just felt like I sucked. It really threw off my flow today and I felt like a failure all day.

This kind of relates to my life as well. This semester I’ve felt kind of depressed because I haven’t been in school. I haven’t had that acknowledgement that I get in the classrooms from papers, tests, or discussions. I usually get positive recognition and when I get anything but, the world is over. Living without that recognition has been surprisingly hard. I’ve had to really look inside myself and try to offer my own appreciation for myself. 

But why? Why do I feel like a failure? Why does anyone feel like a failure? 

I feel like it has something to do with an inner insecurity in my own self. I need that recognition from people to feel good about myself because I’m not strong enough to encourage myself on my own. I am my own worst enemy and I’ve been saying this for years. But, I am recognizing this now. I recognize my behaviours, I want to change them; isn’t this the first step? 

I’m not perfect; I’m not a perfect yoga teacher, a perfect student, a perfect daughter, girlfriend, friend, or person. Is that okay? Can’t I just be me and be happy with it? 

I am learning to be authentic in myself; to show compassion and patience with myself. This is my issue.. I’m working on it. 

DAY 8: EAT ORGANIC and I peed on my socks...

DAY 8:

One of the best days that changed my life.. 

The whole idea of yoga (key words a prof says that makes me madly type, underline, and draw insane arrows) is to actively balance both sides of the brain in the different postures through breath. Balance is the key to teaching yoga; every posture has to utilize the different sides of the body in the same way so that the difference between the right and left sides of the body decreases over time. For me, my left side of my body is a lot more balanced and strong. Whenever I do asanas on my left side, I can always hold it for longer than on my right side. Also, when I lay my finger horizontally under my nose,   I almost always breathe solely from my left nostril. If you didn’t know this already, we only breathe from one nostril at a time -- usually switching nostrils every hour and 50 minutes. Now, let me tell you the SIGNIFICANCE of breathing out of the LEFT nostril. The left nostril connects us with our parasympathetic side of our central nervous system; the relaxed state of the body. It also is connected with femininity, the night, the moon, the mind, and being passive and relaxed. The RIGHT nostril is connected to the sympathetic system: rapid heart beat and breathing -- fight or flight. Breathing out of your RIGHT nostril means that you have are more inclined towards the sun, the heat, masculinity, the day, and energy/activeness. If you primarily use your left nostril to breathe, like I’ve discovered over several days and lots of nose exploration, then you are controlled by the RIGHT hemisphere of the brain (the R and L sides of the brain control the opposite sides of the body -- like that makes sense). Now, the RIGHT hemisphere of the brain is the creative side, while the LEFT side is the logistical side. I thought it was really interesting how these things were all connected and that it totally made sense within my body. I’ve always been more creative than logical (hence this past summer) and I’ve always been stronger on my left side. However, I guess the point of this exercise was to find out which side is weaker and work on developing the balance between the sides so that you are both logical and creative equally. 

LIFESTYLE OF THE LEAN AND LIMBRE

Shat Karma: ‘shat’ - six, ‘karma’ - action --  the 6 steps to cleaning the body

In our society, being fit entails being nice and beautiful on the outside. Nice legs, perfect tits, no mistakes. 

In yoga, it is all about the inside condition of the body; what do your internal organs look like? Shat Karma is a series of actions that some yogis do to cleanse the physical and energetic body. The purpose is to cleanse the internal space so that energy can flow through easily.

Right now, your body produces three forms of UNNATURAL WASTE (poo being natural -- pee isn’t a waste). 

1. Gas --> bloating
2. Fat --> no one can tell you how much you need to weigh, but are you comfortable with your body or not? 
3. Mucus --> ALLERGIES

Allergies are a result of toxins in the body from your lifestyle (what you eat, how much you exercise, whether or not you take the time to relax). To have an allergy means that your body is out of balance. Allergies are not natural. Let me repeat this: DON’T GET USED TO HAVING AN ALLERGY-- ALLERGIES ARE NOT NATURAL. We have become allergic to nature (weeds, grass, flowers, dust, animals). What does it mean when we’ve come from nature, and now we’re allergic to it? What is next, oxygen? water? Allergies give an indication that your body is overreacting to a specific substance. You shouldn’t have to live with allergies; chronic pain in life isn’t something that we should have to get used to. Allergies usually come from medications and over-consuming dairy products. If you think about, thousands of years ago, humans did not keep consuming dairy after childhood, after breastfeeding. This is because our bodies are not designed to keep consuming dairy products and so the body reacts with allergic conditions. Also, dairy products have tons of hormones and antibiotics that 

To alleviate allergies, reduce toxins in the body, and start living a healthy lifestyle, try to eat all organic foods. There are so many chemicals in the food we eat from the grocery stores that are killing us. 

• If you eat dairy, eat goat dairy products. 
• ORGANIC FRUITS ARE ESSENTIAL
• vitamins are often too hard on the kidneys: consume oils! 

Vitamins in nature never came in a purple pill form. Take things that look similar to their natural state. When we cleanse the body internally, the excesses of these three wastes are removed and perfect health can be maintained. 

TOILETS ARE BAD

Starting in 1775, the development of the modern toilet began. Shakti said that we should go back to squatting on the toilet when we poo and pee. The natural way is to squat when you go to the bathroom. When you sit on the toilet, your bum is closed and there is no massage of the intestines. When you squat on the toilet, ie feet on the seat and squatting over the hole, your knees are up, massaging the intestines, and your anus is pointing directly towards the toilet. When you sit, your anus goes in an arch so you have to push harder to get the poo out of your ass. This is great! I love talking about poos and bums. Let’s travel to India, or better yet, to a place I’ve actually been, Morocco. In rural Morocco, about 4 hours outside of the Saharan Desert, we stopped at a restaurant to eat lunch. During our meal, I went to use the ladies room, and there was no toilet just a hole in the ground! Of course, I was flabbergasted and annoyed at the fact that I had to squat over this dirty hole. But, if you think about it, squatting requires the use of basically all your leg muscles. If you squatted (squatted, if its a word) everyday, 5 times a day, imagine how balanced and strong your leg muscles would be! There would be no need for wheelchairs or walkers. In fact, I never saw someone in a wheelchair when we were in that country, or any third-world country that I’ve been too. Squatting everyday would be so healthy for your digestive system! So anyway, after today, I really want to try and squat most of the time when I use the bathroom. Why not? What have I got to lose? I may break a few toilets but I’ll never need to use a walker when I’m older. I may pee on a few pairs of socks (I don’t say things that haven’t happened -- thanks for the line roomie!) but who says sitting on the toilet ever did anybody any good?

DAY 7: A HOLOGRAPHIC EXPERIENCE

Day  7: The Holographic Experience

DO COBRA 5 TIMES A WEEK

• flexible spine
• strong back muscles 
• opens your heart and throat chakras -- stimulating communication and energy
• keeps you young FOREVVEERRRR

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

Phew, so glad to be back in class. Never want to miss another day. 

Today we talked about miracles. The miracle of walking. The miracle of drinking. The miracle of sitting.

THE MIRACLE OF THE BODY, OF OURSELVES.

Everyday, I take for granted everything I do; from being able to roll out of bed in the morning, to sitting (or squatting) on the crapper, and taking my shoes off at the end of the day. These actions require a complex sequence of events to occur within our body’s nervous system. Every movement requires a calculation of weight, distance, and location and then the act of actually carrying out this calculation. Typing on this computer keyboard is an insanely complex process. First of all, I type at 70 - 80 wpm, pretty freaking fast, but that’s not the point! My brain knows exactly where each little key is located on the board, it also knows exactly the order in which these letters go to make a word, and then it also uses all ten fingers to control this process and create a legible sentence. So with each millisecond, my nervous system and brain are working together to move my fingers, write a learned language, and use a learned technological process to share this knowledge. It’s CRAZY! And yet, here I sit almost everyday, using these processes without thinking twice about them. It’s incredible how much we can do with our bodies, with our minds, that we don’t even notice! Coordination is one of the greatest miracles ever.

THENERVOUSSYSTEM

We have two different types of nervous systems: central (brain and spinal cord) and peripheral (the rest of the body). The cells in our nervous systems are called neurons which send signals to one another through a synapse: the space between two neurons where they relay messages to each other. In typing on this keyboard, my neurons must be sending thousands of messages to each other and my brain thinks of words to say (relaying of messages) to typing them on this board (relaying of messages). I’m confused already. All I know is that I better get my neurons a big present for Christmas because I owe it to them for all the work they do for me! Hmm maybe lots of wine after I finish this yoga class!!! Alcohol does slow the synapse time for the neurons.. maybe they’d appreciate a break?!

The central nervous system is divided into two categories: sympathetic and parasympathetic. The parasympathetic system is engaged when the body is relaxed, the heart beat is slow, pupils are small, and the blood flow is focused in the centre of the body for digestion. The sympathetic system is engaged when we are in flight or fight mode -- STRESS. The heart beat is fast, blood flows into all extremities, pupil’s are wide, and there is lots of sweating involved. The one problem with the sympathetic system is that it is very intense; it gives us a lot of power and shoots extreme amounts of energy into the system. While this is healthy when confronted with dangerous situations, the sympathetic system cannot stay engaged in the body for a long time or else the body becomes completely depleted of energy! Stress, one of the main components of the sympathetic system, is overabundant in urban life. The busyness of everyday leads people’s whole bodies into constant states of intensity. If people have no way to expel energy, they turn into an exploding bomb and can fry all their internal systems. This is why some people, who look very healthy and good-looking when their 50, suddenly die of a heart attack. They were probably so stressed at work, and had no way to switch to their parasympathetic mode, that their internal organs just gave up. A constant sympathetic system also gives rise to depression and a feeling of hopelessness. If there is no time for relaxation, the body has no way to expel the extra pent up energy and the internal organs have a hard time dealing with all of it. 

In yoga, the last asana, suvasana or relaxation, is the most important part of the practice. All you have to do in suvasana is lie down on the floor, close your eyes, and NOT FALL ASLEEP! Most people find it annoying and hate the fact that they can never relax, or that they pass out right away, However, it is the main asana that totally relaxes the nervous system. The fact that they cannot relax in the asana only proves that they are so deep in their sympathetic system that they cannot shift to their parasympathetic system anymore. 

Try to lie down in a darkened room, place a blanket on top of you, close your eyes... can you relax without falling asleep? The whole point of relaxation is to be alert, end mindless thoughts, and not move for the entire time. I bet you 5 bucks you can’t do it for 15 minutes. Don’t move a muscle! And don’t think about what to make for dinner. Quiet your mind, quiet your body, stay conscious, and relaaaaxxxx. 

TAKE A CHILL PILL .. DUDE!

DAY 6: oh yes, please give me pills to cover the pain.

Day 6:

Ah, missed the 6th day. I had to go to the hospital because of lower abdominal pain which I thought could be an appendicitis. THANKFULLY, I just had an ovarian cyst, which I’m told, are fairly common. Nothing a night in the hospital and an ultrasound can’t fix! 

Actually, I think it was something besides that. In yoga, we’ve been doing a lot of inversions (ie. shoulder stand); that cause your pelvis to go above your head. Well, Shakti was telling the group that you shouldn’t do shoulder stand during your period because you could stop the flow. She said that only tantric yogis do shoulder stand during their periods because they believe that to have the period is releasing a lot of energy and they want to keep hold of it. So, I didn’t have my period, but I knew it was coming asap. Nevertheless, true Lauren-style, I didn’t listen to directions and just did it anyway. Ended up not having my period and having severe pain in my lower abdomen because of some shoulder stand. I told this to the doctor and he didn’t give it a second thought. He said, “Well, do you want any pills for the pain?” 

YES, I WANT MORE PILLS TO COVER UP THE PAIN. I DON’T WANT YOU TO FIX THE PROBLEM, I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY ASAP. NO I REALLY DON’T WANT TO KNOW WHAT’S ACTUALLY GOING ON WITH ME. OH YES, PLEASE GIVE ME MORE PILLS, SIDE EFFECTS MAY INCLUDE SEVERE ADDICTION OR DEATH, 

AND I’LL JUST CARRY ON MY WAY. 

   -- Lauren’s brain at 2 am -- actually any am or pm .... 

Anyway, I’m good to go. After I got out of the hospital, I went to a yoga class that night to make up for it. 

:)

Day 5: I will never need a walker, a surgery, or a hip/knee replacement..

Day 5:

Form.

Take two pieces of wood, from different forests, opposite ends of the world; cross them so that one lies perpendicular to the other, and you have one of the most important forms in the world today -- a cross. The two pieces of wood were totally empty of meaning before they were put together. Suddenly, as soon as someone puts them together and stresses the importance of them, millions of people wear it, honour it, and worship it. It’s interesting isn’t it? This goes for all religions and even yoga. For some, the asanas in yoga, specifically Iyengar and Ashtanga, are absolute. You cannot deviate from them, you must honour these poses and each one has a definite meaning and symbolism. Symbolisms are everywhere! What does it all mean? Why are these forms, which have no significance in reality, are honoured and respected worldwide? People who do not know the meaning of a form, such as the significance of Mother Mary, do not understand nor recognize the form. The meanings of forms are completely relative to people in that culture, country, race, or religion. I have no idea what some of the symbols in Buddhism represent, yet to Buddhists, they are the absolute truths and signify big ideas in their spiritual faith. 

In class today, we learned that forms in yoga are important for the safety of the student, but that we should not believe in them to the point where they are the absolute truth. Awareness of your body and your spirit are more important than form. There is no one thing forever; forms can change, people will change. Therefore, place more emphasis on the person than on the posture. 

This is why it’s important to think about the posture before you do it. Will this hurt my joints? Is this really necessary? Am I placing too much stress on my body? Don’t automatically assume that the posture is good. Instead, reflect about which muscles and bones are being used and determine if the posture will have a positive or negative effect on your body. 

In our culture today, we are all afraid of aging. I know when I think about being a wrinkling old woman who can’t stand up straight and needs a walker to get around everywhere, I shudder! If you think about it, where else in the world, besides the West, do old people walk around with walkers and, I guess roll around, with wheelchairs? In the third world countries I’ve been too, I’ve either seen no old people or the ones I did see were walking straight, balancing a huge bag of goods on their head! If you become hunched over and can’t walk in these countries, you die because there is no medical help you can afford or seek out. Life is survival. Now, we are lucky being able to live such long lives here, but when you are at that old person state, are you really lucky anymore? Being confined to a retirement home or a walker does not seem very lucky, or fortunate at all. 

I think, the reasons for the state of elderly people in our culture are prescription pills and the lack of exercise. First off, pills do not destroy the infection, inflammation, virus, or disease. The mask it and put it off until it comes back stronger, and more vicious towards your body. Yes they help now, but what about in a couple years from now? Isn’t there a better solution? I believe there is: PREVENTION. Same with exercise -- exercise now to prevent being all bent out of shape when you’re older. Don’t run because that destroys your knee joints, but swim, do yoga, go on the elliptical machines at the gym. Change your perception about age. Age does not need to be painful. Your mind is extremely powerful. I believe that it can change the course of aging. Say to yourself: I am going to be a fit and powerful older person; I will be strong and beautiful; I will not abuse my body and take countless loads of pills (which then require more pills to counter the ones you’ve already taken); and, I will change my lifestyle so I can achieve this goal. If you believe in your heart and mind that you will be strong, I believe you will be! If you are not a victim of your age and don’t adhere to the stereotypes of age, you won’t and you will be one of those lucky persons at age 83 who is still teaching yoga (saw a picture online in class!). I think its amazing and I definitely am changing my perception of aging. I will not be that hunched over woman who needs a walker. I want to stay active and teach yoga till I’m 90! Who says I can’t? You wanna say it? Come on, I dare you because that would make my day. This lifestyle change is all about attitude and your stage of consciousness. Stage of consciousness means basically your state of mind. If you feel like aging is just going to happen whether you like it or not, and you are doomed to a retirement home; well yeah, you are doomed because you’re already thinking you’re doomed. 

I want to have healthy internal organs when I’m 90. Appearance doesn’t matter that much, as long as my mind is sharp and my liver is functioning, I’m good to go. No pills, no knee/hip replacements, no pacemaker, no surgeries. This is how I’m changing my life, TODAY. I am choosing to be healthy for the rest of my life. I will not succumb to the diseases of the Western World. What have I got to lose? My life? No, I will not lose my life; I have found my life.

DAY 4: A POEM OF POSTURES

Day 4:

Yoga is so beautiful. When I’m on my mat, mindfully moving my body into a poem of postures, I smile, I am in bliss. Nothing can harm me on my mat, I am safe. I am beautiful, I am free. In yoga, there is no judgement, no competition. No one expects anything of me, yet I expect everything from myself. I am not pressured by external influences, I go at my own pace, I push myself when I feel comfortable. I sit in Sukasana, knees bent, one foot in front of the other; avoiding the act of crossing my legs as it places tension on the joints. I take another cushion to sit on because my hip-bones hurt. Lightly touching my thumb with my fore-finger, creating Jnana mudra, the mudra of wisdom, a hand gesture which increases energy in the body. Breathing in and out of my nostrils, I inhale into my belly as it expands out. As I exhale, my tummy deflates into my body. BREATHE. I forget about the room, the hot sun shining down on my back through the windows, the tightness in my left hip-joint. I focus on my breathing, everyone else seems to disappear, not because I want them to but because I am so caught in my own breath; I can’t concentrate on everyone else’s actions. Suddenly, my torso starts moving back and forth, slightly, only a tiny bit but enough I can notice. It feels good; I feel peaceful moving, breathing, and creating energy. A moment passes; was it a moment? Was it an hour? Was it a year? I dart open my eyes, afraid that I’ve completely lost touch with reality. Looking around, I check my body. I haven’t been breathing! My mind suddenly realizes that I can’t remember the last time I took a breath. I’m not dying, I’m not searching for breath, I just haven’t taken one. I quickly inhale, just out of habit, out of the need to fill my lungs because that’s what I’ve been taught. “What was that?” I ask myself, “Why wasn’t I breathing?”. “Where was I?”

I learn later that the ancient yogis would stick their head in the sand for hours or days without breathing. It was said that they converted prana, or energy, into the oxygen requirement. That was how they were able to stay in the ground, meditating or contemplating, for that amount of time. I don’t know what happened to me, but I love fantasizing about the fact that I may have converted my energy into oxygen.

In lecture today, we talked about the three groups that humanity is divided into: visual, auditory, and kinesthetic. Visual people use a lot of adjectives and descriptive words; they think in images. Auditory people use language that relates to sound; they perceive reality through sound and understand something best when they hear it described. Kinesthetic people understand through feeling and touching and use language relating to how they felt different aspects of reality. Their knowing occurs through physical movement and touching other people or objects. 

In the regular school system, the school combines all of humanity (all three groups) into one classroom. In kindergarten, all the three types are engaged: visual kids are interested in all the bright colours and posters; the auditory kids are intrigued by songs and rhythmic repeating of sounds; and the kinesthetic kids are engaged by the toys, painting, and crafts. However, after this year, all of a sudden the kids are put into a classroom that doesn’t have all these aspects. The visual students may be engaged from the chalkboard and the auditory students can be stimulated from the lecture, but there is hardly anything for the kinesthetic. Even the visual and auditory students suffer from the lack of diversity in their areas. This is why some people thrive in elementary school and suffer in high school. My boyfriend Doug is a great example of this. He excelled in some years of elementary school because he is highly kinesthetic and there were more art projects and creativity involved in these years. However, once he reached high school, his grades fell tremendously and he wasn’t able to become fully engage because nothing he was taught fell into his hands (literally). It was more directed at the auditory and visual students, even still lacking in my opinion. Now he is at an art school where his kinesthetic side is completely involved and he is getting the best grades in the class! 

This reality makes me frustrated. Being homeschooled for most of my years in school, I don’t know how I will ever send my kids to regular school. There is just so much more I learned about myself, about how to live in the real world, and about how to relate to people on a different level than with people my age. I feel like I’ve just had so many more experiences, even without traveling on the boat, that is a result from being homeschooled than other people at the regular schools. What am I to do then, if I want to be successful with my career and raise my kids the way I want? I want to do both, and I don’t think anyone telling me I can’t is going to help me at all. I HAVE TO FIND A WAY! Actually, if anyone tells me I can’t do anything, I immediately want to do it. Just ask my parents! If they said don’t jump off the bridge, I’d jump. Don’t cross the street! I’m crossing. In some areas, that may be just ignorant stubbornness. However, I’d like to think that you never get anywhere standing still -- right Dad? 

DAY 3: manifestation in yoga

Day 3:

Ahh, 2 hour class of beautiful stretching to start the morning off. What could be better? I forgot my yoga mat this morning, which at Prana Yoga College, is almost like committing manslaughter. However, my wonderful boyfriend Doug brought it to me just as I was trying to scope out if I could steal a yoga mat from someone (ie. see if anybody brought two). Thank you Douglas! I shudder to think what my punishment might be if I tried to snatch someone else’s yoga mat; probably death by too much tofu and rice.

I’m excited to say that Shakti talked about MANIFESTATION today!! I was so pumped to hear her say that word and everything after my head followed in enthusiastic nods while taking extremely detailed notes with multiple stars and arrows. 

MANIFESTATION:

Some of you may be wondering what this concept is. What does it mean to manifest something? To manifest means to alter your reality by having intense thoughts or concentration levels which, supposedly, effect events, objects, and people to align with those thoughts. This is an example of manifesting negativity: you think negative about your life, you are depressed with your relationships, believe yourself to be a victim of other people’s bad actions, or think that you are worth nothing. These thoughts, whether they are true or not, are actually manifesting negative events, people, and objects to come into your life. Because you are obsessing over negativity, other negativity outside in the world is automatically attracted to you. Even if your life isn’t really negative, but you think it is, it will attract negative things to you. Intent and information can change your reality because your brain doesn’t know the difference. If you say to yourself, my life is positive, I have great relationships, and an amazing job with lots of opportunities then the neurons in your brain, whether or not you have those things, will start to form alternate pathways so that, in time, you will actually believe it and will attract positive things to yourself. The neurons in the brain doesn’t know what is good or bad, they are just cells. If you think positively and form those pathways in your brain, even if its just faking it, the cells will stayed charged with that positive energy. 

Okay so we talked about manifesting emotions, but this doesn’t explain manifesting things or the attraction of objects. The whole idea with manifesting things or events to take place is the act of writing and repeating your intent in the present. For example, this past summer I became a believer in manifestation just because of how much it happened to me. For the first month and a half, I wanted a hammock so much. I told everyone about my want of a hammock and I thought about myself in my hammock swinging in between the trees almost every day and night. I put all my intent out there that I wanted a hammock and that was that! Lo and behold, a friend who had gone back to the Big Island, never to be heard from again, turned up unexpectedly back on Kauai with a hammock just for me. Networking, as it appears in this manifestation, played an apparent role. If you want something enough, and tell other people about this want while thinking about it daily and writing it as often as possible, it will come to you. Manifestation is a power that should be used with responsibility especially since greediness has negative attributes attached to it. 

When thinking about manifestation, there should be no ‘no’s, not’s, never’s, un’s, or dis’s’ (any negative words or pre/suffixes that denote negativity). This is important because, the energy that drives this manifestation does not understand that negative language concept -- it is man-made. Therefore a manifestation should read like this:

“I want a hammock” or “I want a blue-stripped hammock that is made of cloth” and not,

“I want a hammock but not one that is blue”. Your intent has to be specific on what you want, not what you don’t want. 

Manifestation can take a long time; my experiences have lasted about 2 to 3 months. One of the most important things about manifestation, I’ll repeat it again, is RESPONSIBILITY! My boyfriend and his roommate, Ryan, play a lot of Halo. I have gotten so angry at Doug for playing so much of this stupid video game that I have repeatedly told him that I wished his video game would break. Well, just a few days ago, they took the disc out of the Xbox, a day or a couple hours after previously playing it, and saw that it had an inch and a half long crack that ran straight through it. They have no idea how it happened since the disc had been fine when they played it last and had not been taken out of the Xbox since then. I believe that I actually manifested the breakage of their game disc -- this is what’s called irresponsible or negative manifesting: when you manifest something that hurts someone else. Be careful what you wish for. This kind of manipulation in manifestation is called black magic because of the negative effects it causes for the manifestor and manifestee. 

More simply stated, do not go out of your house grumpy because you are affecting the world with your emotions! We’ve all seen the domino effect of grumpiness and anger that continues from person to person just in everyday life from the taxi cab driver, to the working mom, to the cashier, and finally to a husband who just can’t take it anymore. This is irresponsible manifestation because you are manifesting that negative energy which is then negatively affecting other people. 

Moral of the story, if you want something, don’t keep it inside - tell the world! Think positively and it may come to you sooner than you think. Try it out! What negative thing can come from it if you are thinking positively?